An Ode to Ryan Reynolds’ Abs

Journalists take risks. They put their careers – and sometimes even their lives – on the line to get the hard-hitting stories. They do what they have to do to break news. Every journalist has one story that puts him or her on the map – and this is mine.

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The Amityville Horror is a terrifying thriller with many great supporting actors – Ryan Reynolds, Chloe Grace Moretz, Melissa George – but the clear star of the film is the un-credited sextuplets that are Ryan Reynolds’ six-pack abs. Let’s discuss.

After diligent review and countless instant replays, I can assure you that RR’s abs are like no other abs in Hollywood. And believe me – I’ve carefully studied them all. Their subtle curves, and the peaks and valleys of each one are perfectly paired with the phenomenal V-muscle that frames the abdominals and steers your eyes downward towards… um… towards the floor. Note the perfect belly-button placement and shape, how it winks at you with every swing of his axe.

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I actually saw Ryan in person once, back in the day on a press tour, and although he was wearing a shirt and jacket, his abs beckoned to me from under the layers – screaming for air. (No – I didn’t set them free but trust me, I wanted to.)

I encourage you to confirm this story and fact-check the day away by watching The Amityville Horror, now playing on EPIX and EPIX.com… you know, for the sake of reputable reporting.