Family Feud: Brady vs. Addams

Which would you rather: an over-the-top “good” family like the Bradys or an over-the-top “bad” family like the Addams? Despite my surname, I’m Team Addams all the way. I’ve always thought a little zany, dark humor is better than that fake smile Stepford stuff, but Halloween is also my favorite holiday so maybe I’m a bit biased… For the sake of thoughtful and fair journalism, let’s do a side-by-side comparison.

 

Matriarch Madness: Morticia vs. Carol

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Many would argue that Carol Brady (née Martin) is the epitome of an American wife and mother. She sings in the church choir; she’s devoted to her three daughters, three stepsons, and husband; her weave is always worked to perfection, and her house is always clean (cough… thanks to Alice… cough). But her potentially dark history is unclear – is she a divorcee? Is she a widow? Is Alice being held against her will? What lies behind her America’s Sweetheart crystal blue eyes?…

Morticia Addams (née Frump) is also a dedicated mother of three (Wednesday, Pugsley and the rarely mentioned Pubert) and wife to Gomez. She’s an excellent – albeit unconventional – gardener, musician, chef and seductress. AKA all of the traits needed to win Mom and Wife of the Century! Sure, she wears baking soda instead of makeup and takes the Goth theme to extremes, but at least she is honest about who she is and where she comes from (her ancestry can be tracked back to Salem MA, FYI).

 

Winner: Morticia

 

Sister, Sister: Marcia vs. Wednesday

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Beautiful Marcia Brady is everyone’s dream girl. Her silken blonde hair, her football-smashed-nose, her enviable popularity – all things that make women want to be her and men want to marry her. But we cannot deny that she is a goody-two-shoes TO THE MAX and a little tooooo into duet-ing with her step-brother Greg. Amiright?

Wednesday Addams, a talented poet, painter and ballerina (really!) is her parents pride and joy – and for good reason. She’s well versed on death, guillotines, spiders and the Bermuda Triangle. As if that wasn’t enough to earn a seat at the cool table, she also has six toes on one foot.

 

Winner: Wednesday

 

Oh, Brother: Greg vs. Pugsley

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Cocky Greg Brady, the oldest of the 6 Brady kids, suffers from a disease that afflicts many handsome teen boys – it’s called D-Bag-itis and it’s an epidemic. He plays football and the guitar, he surfs, he wears short-shorts and he’s a self described “ladies man”… cringe. Mark my words – if Greg Brady were on Tinder today his tagline would be “bottles and models, baby!” and no one would swipe right.

Adorably overweight Pugsley Addams is described by Charles Addams, the cartoonist who created the Addams Family, as an “energetic monster” and a “dedicated troublemaker” which is how I would describe most pre-teen boys. He always wears a striped t-shirt and shorts, which most fashionistas would argue is an amazing look. He prides himself in being able to eat five pieces of cake, to which I say BRAVO!

 

Winner: Pugsley

 

Pet Project: Tiger vs. Thing

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Tiger the dog disappeared without even saying goodbye… But who can blame him for running away from home?

Thing T. Thing is a hand that fetches the mail and hands (get it?) his master Gomez cigars. Meanwhile, my dog can’t even sit on command.

 

Clear winner: Thing

 

Clean Cut: Alice vs. Lurch

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Hilarious Alice knows how to clean, tell a bomb joke, and keep Sam the Butcher happy. She doesn’t really concern herself with the comings and goings of the six Brady kids and I really appreciate that about her. Besides, when you’re getting free filet from your beau who cares about Hamburger Helper?

Admittedly Lurch brings a whole new level of class to feather dusting by cloaking his 6’9” bod in a tux, but communicating solely through grunts and moans makes deep dialogue difficult.

 

Shocking winner: Alice

 

Final score: Brady Bunch 1, Addams Family 4.

But don’t take my word for it, decide which family reigns supreme and watch The Brady Bunch Movie, A Very Brady Sequel, The Addams Family and Addams Family Values now playing on EPIX and EPIX.com.