I’m So Excited, I’m So Excited, I’m… So… Topless

You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the Diary of Jessie Spano…

Jessie Spano is a long-legged California girl. She loves her mom and dad (doesn’t like her step mom Leslie the aerobics instructor, but that’s another story), loves her “chauvinist pig” boyfriend Slater, loves her friends Kelly and Lisa, loves being Class President of Bayside High, loves environmentalism, and is the second-smartest person in her entire school (no one can de-thrown Screech as Valedictorian).

She also loves HARD DRUGS like the caffeine pill NoDoz. Perhaps it was this terrible addiction that encouraged her to abandon her acceptance letter to Columbia University, move to Vegas and change her name to Nomi.

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It’s true, everyone changes after high school and graduates from PG to R, but Nomi’s transformation is an extreme NC-17. Young Jessie was a liberal feminist, sang lead vocals in the band Zach Attack, and danced with Jessie and the Sundaes. Nomi is also a dancer but swapped out the leotard for bedazzled bras and g-strings… and then no bra at all. But hey, that’s the price of celebrity, right? As they say in Showgirls, “how far would you go for fame?” Nomi’s answer is a resounding “very far!!!!”

Before we all drink too much haterade, let’s keep in mind that being a Vegas Headliner is more than Kelly Kapowski or Lisa Turtle ever did. Take that, 20-year reunion! Let’s also keep in mind that both Jessie and Nomi are fictional characters, rather than one nice smart girl from Pacific Palisades who made questionable career choices.

Watch the NSFW camp classic Showgirls, now playing on EPIX and EPIX.com. And don’t worry, Mr. Belding does not make a cameo.