Lisa Lampanelli Guest Post: #WhyImStillSingle

 

People often ask me, “Hey, Lisa, now that you’re divorced, are you dating yet?” When I tell them I’m happy to be single, they look at me with a mixture of doubt and pity, and say, “How is that possible? Don’t you want someone to share your life with?” And that made me think – for an entire day, in fact, “Hey, Lisa, why are you happy to be single?

Oh, those? They're BOTH my side of the bed. #WhyImStillSingle

Oh, those? They’re BOTH my side of the bed. #WhyImStillSingle

Well, it started as soon as I woke up, saw 11:30 a.m. on my nightstand clock, and thanked God there wasn’t some guy waking me up at six in the morning so he could get ready for whatever shitty job he’s got to get to. Then I noticed all the blankets were still on my side of the bed. Why? Because there was no snoring dude there to pull them off me in the middle of night so I could freeze my bony ass off.

Yeah, I Krazy-Glued the seat down, so any male friends coming to visit are gonna have to do the ol' "squat-and-pee" like the rest of the girls! #WhyImStillSingle

Yeah, I Krazy-Glued the seat down, so any male friends coming to visit are gonna have to do the ol’ “squat-and-pee” like the rest of the girls! #WhyImStillSingle

Then it was off to the bathroom — where the toilet seat is down. DOWN — as God intended it to be. I looked at my bathroom sink. That precious side-of-the-sink space? MINE, ALL MINE! There it was — crammed with my make-up, toiletries, and whatever the hell else I wanted on there. Next, I hopped into the shower and smiled, because I know that if there was gonna be any disgusting back hair clogging my shower drain, it’s gonna be MY disgusting back hair.

 

Walking into the kitchen, I poured myself a cup of coffee because the pot hadn’t been emptied AND NOT REFILLED by some caffeine-addicted dick. And the milk carton? Not drained of every drop AND PUT BACK IN THE FRIDGE. Then I grabbed a piece of leftover pizza because, as a single, I decide what the fucking breakfast is.

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I don’t have to blame my farts on this poor little bastard anymore. #WhyImStillSingle

Time to start my day, so I jumped into my car and noticed that the passenger seat was empty. How about that? Nobody to yell, “Turn left. Left. Left. LEFT!” 2,000 feet before I’m supposed to turn right.  And nobody to look at me funny while I blast Michael Bolton on the car stereo. (Hey, it’s my guilty pleasure, so don’t judge me, all you closeted Nickelback fans.)

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Nobody to tell me, “Turn left . . . left . . . LEFT!!!” two-thousand feet before I have to turn right. #WhyImStillSingle

“How about some shopping?” I asked myself. “Great idea,” I said, so it was off to that expensive store I love, because there was no budget-conscious boyfriend to piss on my shopping parade. I found a pair of $700 black Manolos I love, and I bought ‘em. I put my hand to my ear, but I didn’t hear anyone whining about the price, so I bought another pair in blue. While paying for them, I stared at a stockboy’s cute ass, and I didn’t even have to pretend I was looking at the rack of pantsuits he was standing near.

. It's mine. And even though it may take me 3 years to eat, I bought it, I paid for it, and if you wanna know what it tastes like, buy one of your own! #WhyImStillSingle

It’s mine. And even though it may take me 3 years to eat, I bought it, I paid for it, and if you wanna know what it tastes like, buy one of your own! #WhyImStillSingle

That night, I made plans — without having to text anyone asking if they minded me going out for dinner with a few friends. I ordered a salad with plenty of onions and a side of garlic toast because, the only thing my stinky mouth is gonna get close to after dinner is a piece of chocolate cheesecake.

Currently my favorite sexy lingerie. Enjoy the view! #WhyImStillSingle

Currently my favorite sexy lingerie. Enjoy the view! #WhyImStillSingle

I came home at whatever goddamn time I wanted to, and got into my most comfortable ratty pair of ugly pajamas – you know, the ones with the stains on the front and the hole in the left knee. Watching TV, I burped, farted, and made a few other noises so off-putting, I’m not even sure where they came from. And what was that in my hand? Why, it was the remote control! And I was watching what I wanted instead of having to pretend to like somebody else’s crappy shows. Best of all, there was no flipping back and forth “just to check the score.”

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Look at that! No dirty plates just waiting to be magically transported to the dishwasher. #WhyImStillSingle

I decided it was bedtime. As I passed the kitchen sink and noticed there were no dirty dishes that had been placed there just waiting to be put into the dishwasher, I looked back on my day and thought, once again, I like being single.

 

Actually, I don’t like it.

I fucking LOVE it!

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This is the only hairy animal I want waiting for me when I come home from the road. #WhyImStillSingle

 

Tell us why you’re single and loving it with #WhyImStillSingle – don’t forget to tag @LisaLampanelli and @EpixHD!

 

 

Editor’s Note: Tune in this Friday, June 26th at 10pm ET to catch Lisa’s new comedy special Back to the Drawing Board only on EPIX!

 

  • Ceramo Maximus

    I agree with Lisa completely.
    I’ve never been in a relationship.
    Even though this has nothing to do with the topic, last night after rugby practice; I came in & one of my room mates was in his boxers in the kitchen. I came from cloud nine to one of the rings of hell as soon as I saw that. You can imagine how upset I would be if I finally had a boyfriend & he was up in the kitchen like that. I don’t even mix sex & food so let there be a pubic hair on my good white china. We brawling…
    I cherish my freedom.
    I am not a very verbal person cause I have a speech impediment & I’m an introvert. I spend majority of my time alone & I have to talk myself into acting appropriately when I go into public everyday I work. If we aren’t texting, we aren’t really communicating.
    Besides, I clean up one day a week & my room smells like fresh air, a little bit of musk & Yankee Candle Co products when I get home. I don’t have to share my attention, I don’t have to think about more than one person; I’m just down right selfish when it comes to it.
    But then again, I’m naturally a rebel; the way everyone was raised to be is something I don’t value. I may have morals & grand practices; but none of them revolve around white picket fences, prince charming, sleeping beauty, sharing a life with someone or the one knee stories. I’m more about these ambitions of being a cartoonists since the first grade, cirque 1991. Since then, those ambitions have grown to wanting to make my twenty five stories into animated series. Eventually, my imagination has become the only thing that satisfies me physically, mentally & spiritually. I kind of said that once in different words with a guy I was dating; ever since, it’s been down hill for anyone trying to fight for my affection. I would like to keep it that…