People often ask me, “Hey, Lisa, now that you’re divorced, are you dating yet?” When I tell them I’m happy to be single, they look at me with a mixture of doubt and pity, and say, “How is that possible? Don’t you want someone to share your life with?” And that made me think – for an entire day, in fact, “Hey, Lisa, why are you happy to be single?”
Well, it started as soon as I woke up, saw 11:30 a.m. on my nightstand clock, and thanked God there wasn’t some guy waking me up at six in the morning so he could get ready for whatever shitty job he’s got to get to. Then I noticed all the blankets were still on my side of the bed. Why? Because there was no snoring dude there to pull them off me in the middle of night so I could freeze my bony ass off.
Then it was off to the bathroom — where the toilet seat is down. DOWN — as God intended it to be. I looked at my bathroom sink. That precious side-of-the-sink space? MINE, ALL MINE! There it was — crammed with my make-up, toiletries, and whatever the hell else I wanted on there. Next, I hopped into the shower and smiled, because I know that if there was gonna be any disgusting back hair clogging my shower drain, it’s gonna be MY disgusting back hair.
Walking into the kitchen, I poured myself a cup of coffee because the pot hadn’t been emptied AND NOT REFILLED by some caffeine-addicted dick. And the milk carton? Not drained of every drop AND PUT BACK IN THE FRIDGE. Then I grabbed a piece of leftover pizza because, as a single, I decide what the fucking breakfast is.
Time to start my day, so I jumped into my car and noticed that the passenger seat was empty. How about that? Nobody to yell, “Turn left. Left. Left. LEFT!” 2,000 feet before I’m supposed to turn right. And nobody to look at me funny while I blast Michael Bolton on the car stereo. (Hey, it’s my guilty pleasure, so don’t judge me, all you closeted Nickelback fans.)
“How about some shopping?” I asked myself. “Great idea,” I said, so it was off to that expensive store I love, because there was no budget-conscious boyfriend to piss on my shopping parade. I found a pair of $700 black Manolos I love, and I bought ‘em. I put my hand to my ear, but I didn’t hear anyone whining about the price, so I bought another pair in blue. While paying for them, I stared at a stockboy’s cute ass, and I didn’t even have to pretend I was looking at the rack of pantsuits he was standing near.
That night, I made plans — without having to text anyone asking if they minded me going out for dinner with a few friends. I ordered a salad with plenty of onions and a side of garlic toast because, the only thing my stinky mouth is gonna get close to after dinner is a piece of chocolate cheesecake.
I came home at whatever goddamn time I wanted to, and got into my most comfortable ratty pair of ugly pajamas – you know, the ones with the stains on the front and the hole in the left knee. Watching TV, I burped, farted, and made a few other noises so off-putting, I’m not even sure where they came from. And what was that in my hand? Why, it was the remote control! And I was watching what I wanted instead of having to pretend to like somebody else’s crappy shows. Best of all, there was no flipping back and forth “just to check the score.”
I decided it was bedtime. As I passed the kitchen sink and noticed there were no dirty dishes that had been placed there just waiting to be put into the dishwasher, I looked back on my day and thought, once again, I like being single.
Actually, I don’t like it.
I fucking LOVE it!
Tell us why you’re single and loving it with #WhyImStillSingle – don’t forget to tag @LisaLampanelli and @EpixHD!
Editor’s Note: Tune in this Friday, June 26th at 10pm ET to catch Lisa’s new comedy special Back to the Drawing Board only on EPIX!