Ladies and gents, go ahead and throw your clutches and murses right on out because I’ve finally discovered the secret to dancing like Alex (played by Jennifer Beals) in Flashdance… PROPS, and a lot of them. You’ll need a trunk on wheels to transport it all, but I assure you the extra baggage will be totally worth it.
If you really want to make a splash on the dance floor, this is what you’ll need:
- Get your outfit tight: Buy a sweatshirt, cut the entire hood and neck section off, wear it falling off your torso (sans bra). Then buy some extra tall ski socks, cut off the toes, and scrunch them down around your calves. The final result is that your upper body is freezing but your ankles are very warm.
- Pack your own set: Bring a chair, a bucket, a hose, and a rigging system with you to every party, bar, club, reunion, bar/bat mitzvah, and wedding. Arrive early to give yourself plenty of time to set up.
- Bottle feed: You’ll need a couple different bottles of products to really make this whole scenario work. First, at least two spray bottles of ammonium thiglycolate (save the Google – it’s the main chemical in alkaline perms) and second, a variety of oils (baby, shea, olive, coconut, peanut, corn, canola – hell, even Crisco would do in a pinch) to insure that your skin is always slicker than a baby seal.