This is an open letter to everyone’s favorite overly offensive comic.
My Dearest Jim,
The EPIX library has tons of movies that we all know you’d love, but I took the liberty of selecting five cinematic masterpieces from our library that I think you’d love the most. You may or may not notice a common theme in the coming titles but I digress, let’s get started.
1. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
The synopsis reads: A sexy college professor is assigned to investigate a sudden, disastrous avocado shortage, after her predecessor, a Dr. Kurtz, never returns from the dreaded California Avocado Jungle. WOW! This movie seems to have it all, action, suspense, a missing professor, ninjas, greased up dudes who look like pro wrestlers, and oh yeah scantily clad ladies, lots of em.
2. Bad Girls From Mars
The synopsis reads: A hilarious send-up of sexy space spectaculars, starring Edy Williams (Russ Meyers’ Beyond The Valley of the Dolls and The Seven Minutes) as the voluptuous vixen Emanuelle, actress, authoress, girl who can’t say no. When a mysterious masked man murders the fourth leading lady in a row, the director of the space epic Bad Girls From Mars doesn’t know what to do. His producer hires a chesty Emanuelle – and all hell breaks loose. Emanuelle makes herself willingly available to her leading man Richard Trent, to the producer, to the director, and to anyone else who’s interested. But while everybody’s scoring, nobody’s keeping score of the murders. The mad killer continues his mayhem left and right – and Emanuelle may be his next victim! This one right here is a WINNER. Here we have a well rounded flick, murder, mystery, deception, and again scantily clad ladies, a whole lot of em.
3. Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader
The synopsis reads: A modern day take on the great Roger Corman genre pictures and his first ever 3D film. Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader follows a college coed who uses an experimental drug to transform herself into a popular beauty – but at a huge price. Now you know you are going to watch a quality film if Roger Corman has anything to do with it! You also know that you’re going to get lots of scantily clad ladies. In this case a 50-foot cheerleader. (Are you catching onto my theme Mr. Norton?)
4. Cheerleader Ninjas
The synopsis reads: Four perky, clueless cheerleaders from the Happy Valley High Hamsters are mistakenly blamed by the meddling Church Ladies for the invasion of “internet smut” into their children’s bedrooms. The Church ladies hire Stephen, a sexually ambiguous teacher from the local parochial reform school to teach the cheerleaders a lesson. But the cheerleaders have more than Stephen to worry about… lurking in the shadows is Mr. X – evil mastermind who is using cheerleaders as guinea pigs to test his Internet Zombie Domination. Cheerleaders, Church ladies, Ninjas, not one but TWO evil villains trying to conquer the Cheerleaders?! This movie has it all and don’t worry it also has ladies getting their fight on in cheerleader uniforms.
5. Prison Girls
The synopsis reads: A prison psychiatrist prepares six female inmates for parole by granting them a weekend furlough, during which each of them has a sexual encounter. To quote the great Vanessa Williams, “You go and save the best for last.” You’re damn right I saved Prison Girls for our last pick for you, Jim. Not only does this film teach young women how to prepare to become a better woman, it, actually no it does not do that but please, trust me and treat yourself to some breasts from 1972. Vintage boobs.
Watch all these and plenty more like them over on EPIX.com. Happy watching!